Bo Wagner is pastor of the Cornerstone Baptist Church of Mooresboro, NC, a widely traveled evangelist, and the author of several books. His books are available on Amazon and at www.wordofhismouth.com

In last week’s column, I began to deal with the issue of church hurt. I pointed out that in some cases, the church hurt card is merely an excuse for wanting to live a sinful life without anyone being allowed to speak against it, but in other cases, it is a real hurt brought on by real unkindness and/or unbiblical behaviors and attitudes from those who damage the sheep rather than caring for the sheep.

I gave five initial things to help with the issue. In summary, distinguish between God and man, distinguish between the vast majority of loving, kind believers and the handful of others who are not, distinguish between needful hurts and needless hurts, distinguish between intentional hurts and unintentional hurts, and distinguish between “that church” and “every church.”

Let’s continue.

The sixth thing you should do is remember the good in good people who do or say dumb, hurtful things. When we come to believe that everyone who hurts our hearts is therefore entirely horrible, we create a life with nothing but sharp edges, and sharp edges make everyone bleed. Peter denied Jesus three times, cursed, and claimed to not even know him. How badly would it hurt you if someone did that to you? And yet, Jesus, while acknowledging what Peter did, did not make that Peter’s entire identity. He knew the good things Peter had already done, and the good he still could do.

Some of the people who cause church hurt are nothing more than another Peter; decent people who somehow manage to do and say some horrible, inexcusable things. See them that way, and you will help yourself and them.

The seventh thing you should do is remember the value of every moment of every day, and therefore refuse to squander your precious, fleeting time in a life of bitterness. Life goes by fast, so very fast. And the saddest cases I have ever seen were those people who got bitter over something and carried that poison all the way to the grave with them. Someone took a single day of their life, and they then gave up the rest of their life.

To be hurt or not to be hurt is usually not up to you. To be happy anyway almost always is. God is still good, and the sun is still warm, and the sky is still blue, and the water is still cool, even after being hurt. Family is still precious, adventures are still fun, and friends are still priceless even after being hurt.

The eighth thing you should do is remember that people who have hurt you may have helped many others. This one was a real eye-opener to me when I finally got it. A man in a religious context who absolutely savaged and tried to destroy me has won many others to the Lord and helped them in times of great need. King Saul tried to murder David on at least twelve occasions. And yet, upon hearing of his death, David spoke of the great good Saul did for the kingdom, because it was true.

If you cannot be grateful for the hurt people have inflicted upon you, be grateful for the help they have given others. Many who have likewise helped you have probably also hurt others.

The ninth thing you should do is remember that people can grow and change. Peter denied and cursed Christ, yet later gave his life for him. Paul blew a gasket over John Mark, yet later softened and welcomed him in the ministry. John the beloved wanted to call down fire from heaven on people, yet later wrote the most glowing words of love for one another in all of Scripture. If you are patient with people, you may experience the joy of seeing God radically transform them into people that will make you and God both happy. Further, it is likely that none of us, by the time we are old, will want to be remembered for everything we did and said in younger, dumber days.

The tenth and final thing you should remember is the incredible value of forgiveness. Here is a famous exchange between Peter and Jesus: Matthew 18:21-22 “Then came Peter to him, and said, Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? till seven times? Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until seventy times seven.”

Forgiveness is the salve that softens and heals wounds better than anything else on earth. The ability to hand hurts and wrongs to Jesus and let him deal with them while we move on is cathartic. This does not mean we forget; our memories are what they are, and we cannot will them away. Nor does it mean that we instantly trust again, or even ever. It means that we hand it all to the Lord to deal with, and move on without it, and without any desire for retribution. This may or may not ultimately lead to some kind of reconciliation, but it always leads to a more peaceful and joyous life for the one who has chosen to forgive.

Church hurt doesn’t have to be your identity.

Pastor Wagner can be contacted by email at 2knowhim@cbc-web.org, and his books are available by clicking the Store link above.

Feature photo by Grok