It was only a matter of time, of course. Once Disney slapped warning labels on the Muppets that certain things about them were “offensive,” their demise was assured. When the pink slips were handed out, though, it took some explaining. Mrs. Piggy (naturally) was the first one to speak up.
“FIRED?!? YOU THINK YOU CAN FIRE ME? WHY I THINK I’LL JUST FIRE YOU RIGHT OUT INTO THE ATMOSPHERE!!!” she screamed as she balled up her fist and prepared to unload.
“Pigathia Lee, calm down, just calm down,” Kermit intoned. “I’m sure there must be some reasonable explanation for all of this.”
“Of course there is!” Waldorf, one of the resident hecklers said, “None of you have any talent!” Then he and Staltler laughed their signature belly laugh, which under the circumstances did not calm anyone down even a little bit.
“Look,” said the designated wokesman from Disney, “Times have changed. Sure, we’ve made a killing laughing at all of your jokes and antics for the last five decades, but now we know that you should have known better. Liberal whites here in America are very offended on behalf of Swedes by the Swedish chef, on behalf of Muslims for having pork on the show, even in living pig form, on behalf of the non-religious for the line “heaven and the saints be praised” from your version of the Christmas Carol, and on behalf of black bears for Fozzie being closer to polar bear color than black bear color.
“On the positive side, the trans-speciests are pretty happy with the idea of, you know, a pig and a frog…”
His voice trailed off, knowing no one was buying his reasoning. But the bottom line is the bottom line, and since everyone in the world seemed terrified of a few vocal college-age “experts,” the firings were non-negotiable.
Rizzo the rat took it pretty hard. “I have 1274 brothers and sisters, and I was the only one employed in the entire family!”
Animal was erudite as always, opining “AAAAAAARRRRGGHEHRHRHRHRH!” Beaker just hugged him and said comfortingly, “MEEMEMEMEMEEMEE!”
The Swedish Chef, part of the “problem,” seemed unconcerned, whirling utensils around as always and sing/talking “InnndeeeeshSTOOOPSTOOOPSTOOPSTOOPshtupidDeeeeshny…”
Animal tried to bang the drums to it, but as always it just could not be done to that cadence. He sighed, laid down his drumsticks, and walked sadly away into the night. The last anyone heard of him he was the drummer for an acid metal band in Tijuana, none of whom were nearly as easy to understand as him.
Rowlf the dog, normally good for a peppy song on the piano, sadly sauntered over to the old upright and began to mournfully plink out “The Way We Were.” Everyone cried as he played, then he, too, sauntered out into the night. He eventually found work as a piano instructor at a local high school. Sadly, though, the woke crowd undid him there as well, complaining that since he had gotten his start in Purina commercials, he should be rejected as obviously racist; something about the connotation of the sound “pure” from the first three letters.
Sam Eagle never did find work again. Since eagles are the symbol of America he was rejected as a white nationalist, even though he was blue.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew was, in fact, white. No one would touch him with a ten-foot pole. In fact, even patients that he had healed of deadly diseases came back and asked to be re-infected so they would not be thought of as politically incorrect.
The Newsman, among them all, knew how to land on his feet, though. He immediately denounced Donald Trump as “literally Hitler with a side of Ghengis Khan, solely responsible for the Great Depression, the assassination of Abraham Lincoln, and the fall of Babylon,” and was hired as a CNN anchor on the spot.
Fozzie Bear was accused of “dumping in the woods,” and canceled forever by environmentalists.
It was a horrible day for everyone.
One year later…
Kermit sat on a low chair on the deck overlooking the sea. The cool breeze wafted through his two weeks of stubble. He did not bother to take care of his appearance anymore. Why should he? He stabbed his fork into his breakfast, slowly brought a bite to his mouth, and shook his head sadly as he thought of a great, enjoyable career now in tatters due to people with no talent, no intelligence, and no sense of humor.
“Oh well, somehow we always knew it would come to this,” he said as he took another bite. “But it isn’t all bad; the salt air and fresh sausage do go well together…”
Pastor Bo Wagner can be reached by email at firstname.lastname@example.org, and his books and audio downloads are available by clicking the “Store” link above.
Feature photo by Pastor Bo Wagner