Bo Wagner is pastor of the Cornerstone Baptist Church of Mooresboro, NC, a widely traveled evangelist, and the author of several books. His books are available on Amazon and at www.wordofhismouth.com

I awoke to the news of a now viral video, viewed 63 million times so far, of a Vice President of a pretty major entertainment corporation saying that they would never consider hiring white males. And very quickly, my differently wired brain began formulating plans for a rescue effort. If white males are going to be banished from society, someone needs to start a refugee camp; and I intend to be that man.

I will call it The Cracker Dome.

Cracker Dome is going to be the ultimate refuge and tanning village for white males everywhere. Mind you, it is going to have to be huge; the best numbers I can find seem to indicate that there are roughly 100 million or so of these melanin-challenged, dad-joke-loving, rhythm-lacking individuals in America. And when you consider the oversized zero-turn mowers that each one will want to bring for his tenth of an acre lawn, we may need to make an agreement for Texas, Oklahoma, New Mexico, Colorado, and Kansas to actually become Cracker Dome.

Cookouts will be held every Friday night, bare minimum, in Cracker Dome. Each villa will come equipped with a modest 12-foot long, 16-burner flat top grill for that purpose. Those needing grills big enough for more than just two or three friends can apply to the C.O.R.N.C.O.B. (Crackerdome Oversized Refreshment Necessity Cook Out Board) for a larger unit. The vote will be decided by either a majority “Yeah” or “Naw.” Friendly bribes of fresh jalapeno poppers will be allowed to influence the vote.

Dance night will be on Saturday. And where, in the outside world, typical white males either have the pride not to participate or the embarrassment of being asked to stop when they do, in Cracker Dome, every awkward, geeky, pale set of legs will be warmly welcomed on the dance floor, and the first song will always be Play That Funky Music, White Boy.

It won’t all be fun and games in the Cracker Dome, though. Everyone in Cracker Dome will be required, in addition to working a full-time job, to also have a suitable side gig. You will be able to choose from things like shade-tree mechanic, bass boat technician, roofer, amateur plumber, home renovator, and woodworker. And regular discussions of how everyone’s 401k is doing will be not just allowed but expected.

Let’s talk about dress code for just a moment; we don’t need anyone sticking out like a sore thumb, messing up the properly attired atmosphere of Cracker Dome. To begin with, jeans are always in. But not skinny jeans; definitely not skinny jeans. Carpenter jeans will be the optimal choice in Cracker Dome. And anyone seen without a pocket knife clip protruding from at least one pocket will be issued a warning citation. Case Knives will be carried by all of the aged rulers of Cracker Dome; younger inhabitants may also carry Bucks, Benchmades, and the occasional SOG. No cheap, poorly made knives will be tolerated in Cracker Dome. Socks and sandals will be allowed, even if the socks are black and come up to just below the knee. Let the outside world revel in their bare calves; in Cracker Dome, covering those pale puppies up is acceptable.

Church attendance will not need to be enforced, I think. If statistics are correct, that kind of thing will be as natural as breathing amongst the inhabitants of Cracker Dome. Be aware, though, that there will not be many, if any, Pentecostal churches; white males are already awkward enough without being “slain in the Spirit.”

Everyone, absolutely everyone in Cracker Dome, will drive a pickup truck. And all of them will have a sticker on the back window that says, “Yes, this is my truck. No, I won’t help you move.” Be aware, though, that there will be very few Toyotas. There will be about 48% Fords, 48% Chevys, and an obstinate 4% or so of Dodge owners always having transmission issues.

There will be no cursing in Cracker Dome. Anyone wishing to express their anger will use such timely classics as “Fudgemuffins, Dagnabbit, Dadgummit, and the occasional “Huh! How ‘bout that!”

In Cracker Dome, every child will memorize John 3:16 before he even learns to walk and will sing Jesus Loves Me as his very first song. His first Bible will be one of those blue picture Bibles, and he will go on to carry a black leather Bible as he hits his teenage years.

Dad Jokes. As I mentioned right at the beginning of the column, dad Jokes will be standard fare. In fact, there will be a Dad-Jokes Olympics held every four years in Cracker Dome, and the medals given will be gold, silver, and bronze-plated Snap-On tools.

Cracker Dome is going to be an absolute utopia if it ever comes to be. Not nearly as wonderful as a society of all races could be if they laid aside the racism and sexism that leads them to exclude others based solely on white skin and maleness, but a utopia nonetheless.

And all basketball goals will be set at 8 feet high. “Coming Soon: The Cracker Dome”

Bo Wagner is pastor of the Cornerstone Baptist Church of Mooresboro, NC, a widely traveled evangelist, and the author of several books. His books are available on Amazon and at www.wordofhismouth.com

I awoke to the news of a now viral video, viewed 63 million times so far, of a Vice President of a pretty major entertainment corporation saying that they would never consider hiring white males. And very quickly, my differently wired brain began formulating plans for a rescue effort. If white males are going to be banished from society, someone needs to start a refugee camp; and I intend to be that man.

I will call it Cracker Dome.

Cracker Dome is going to be the ultimate refuge and tanning village for white males everywhere. Mind you, it is going to have to be huge; the best numbers I can find seem to indicate that there are roughly 100 million or so of these melanin-challenged, dad-joke-loving, rhythm-lacking individuals in America. And when you consider the oversized zero-turn mowers that each one will want to bring for his tenth of an acre lawn, we may need to make an agreement for Texas, Oklahoma, New Mexico, Colorado, and Kansas to actually become Cracker Dome.

Cookouts will be held every Friday night, bare minimum, in Cracker Dome. Each villa will come equipped with a modest 12-foot long, 16-burner flat top grill for that purpose. Those needing grills big enough for more than just two or three friends can apply to the C.O.R.N.C.O.B. (Crackerdome Oversized Refreshment Necessity Cook Out Board) for a larger unit. The vote will be decided by either a majority “Yeah” or “Naw.” Friendly bribes of fresh jalapeno poppers will be allowed to influence the vote.

Dance night will be on Saturday. And where, in the outside world, typical white males either have the pride not to participate or the embarrassment of being asked to stop when they do, in Cracker Dome, every awkward, geeky, pale set of legs will be warmly welcomed on the dance floor, and the first song will always be Play That Funky Music, White Boy.

It won’t all be fun and games in the Cracker Dome, though. Everyone in Cracker Dome will be required, in addition to working a full-time job, to also have a suitable side gig. You will be able to choose from things like shade-tree mechanic, bass boat technician, roofer, amateur plumber, home renovator, and woodworker. And regular discussions of how everyone’s 401k is doing will be not just allowed but expected.

Let’s talk about dress code for just a moment; we don’t need anyone sticking out like a sore thumb, messing up the properly attired atmosphere of Cracker Dome. To begin with, jeans are always in. But not skinny jeans; definitely not skinny jeans. Carpenter jeans will be the optimal choice in Cracker Dome. And anyone seen without a pocket knife clip protruding from at least one pocket will be issued a warning citation. Case Knives will be carried by all of the aged rulers of Cracker Dome; younger inhabitants may also carry Bucks, Benchmades, and the occasional SOG. No cheap, poorly made knives will be tolerated in Cracker Dome. Socks and sandals will be allowed, even if the socks are black and come up to just below the knee. Let the outside world revel in their bare calves; in Cracker Dome, covering those pale puppies up is acceptable.

Church attendance will not need to be enforced, I think. If statistics are correct, that kind of thing will be as natural as breathing amongst the inhabitants of Cracker Dome. Be aware, though, that there will not be many, if any, Pentecostal churches; white males are already awkward enough without being “slain in the Spirit.”

Everyone, absolutely everyone in Cracker Dome, will drive a pickup truck. And all of them will have a sticker on the back window that says, “Yes, this is my truck. No, I won’t help you move.” Be aware, though, that there will be very few Toyotas. There will be about 48% Fords, 48% Chevys, and an obstinate 4% or so of Dodge owners always having transmission issues.

There will be no cursing in Cracker Dome. Anyone wishing to express their anger will use such timely classics as “Fudgemuffins, Dagnabbit, Dadgummit, and the occasional “Huh! How ‘bout that!”

In Cracker Dome, every child will memorize John 3:16 before he even learns to walk and will sing Jesus Loves Me as his very first song. His first Bible will be one of those blue picture Bibles, and he will go on to carry a black leather Bible as he hits his teenage years.

Dad Jokes. As I mentioned right at the beginning of the column, dad Jokes will be standard fare. In fact, there will be a Dad-Jokes Olympics held every four years in Cracker Dome, and the medals given will be gold, silver, and bronze-plated Snap-On tools.

Cracker Dome is going to be an absolute utopia if it ever comes to be. Not nearly as wonderful as a society of all races could be if they laid aside the racism and sexism that leads them to exclude others based solely on white skin and maleness and truly believed what Acts 17:26 teaches, that all ethnicities are of one blood, but a utopia nonetheless.

And all basketball goals will be set at 8 feet high.

Pastor Wagner can be contacted by email at 2knowhim@cbc-web.org, and his books are available by clicking the “Store” link above.

Feature photo (and heavy editing to make me actually look like a cracker) by Pastor Bo Wagner.